one for blame
one for shame
one for name.
these three fingers
down her throat
twice a day.
it started when she came back from school,
a bag in her hand, the weight in her heart,
and she thought of herself as
not beautiful.
not perfect. not pretty.
she thought of herself as
a coward, for not doing anything about it.
for not loving herself.
and 'strength', she called it.
she walked to the bathroom.
opened the tap.
water fell, just like her hair did
as she bent.
three fingers.
one for blame:
blaming the world for not loving her,
blaming herself for not trying to
blaming her size for not fitting in.
one for shame:
shaming her body for not shaping up,
shaming her flabs for building up,
shaming her mind for thinking so.
one for name:
naming the things she could do,
naming the reasons that this lead up to,
naming herself as just one more girl
thinking to herself
the feeling of being full
the feeling of being empty
the feeling of learning to throw
up any doubt inside of her:
it all depended on these three fingers.
and it all came out.
the more she did it, the worse it became
the numbers on the weighing scale decreased,
so did her waist.
all that grew was a tumour called
'hatred' that she thought of as beauty.
what for though?
for she cried herself to sleep the first night,
for she learned to pretend how to love herself,
for she knew that three fingers weren't the ten she owned,
for she knew that those three fingers were daggers in her body
they forced her to bleed if not to death, then to bed, they forced her to bend down, purge, get up, clean the toilet floor look at herself in the mirror and think to herself: "these three fingers down my throat twice a day." ——————————— Bulimia nervosa is a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating. I guess one of the reasons why I started this blog was to express myself, as well as educate you all about mental disorders like these. To whoever who needs to hear it today, you are beautiful and loved. You are valued and wanted.
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