(direction to read: read it with the words that are not in bold, and then remove the words and only read the words that are in bold)
Your environment affects the way you behave. When you’re born in a place that confines you, you can’t be yourself. When you don’t listen when you’re asked to colour within the boundaries; it can get a little intense. But you don’t need to hear that. You know that.
Where does it leave you? You can’t leave him. You love him. It’s the only thing you know how to do. And even that is not enough. Nothing comes close to his expectations, and that is a burden he must live with. Not being enough is as much his doing, if not arguably more. you care for him, and are ready to give your entire existence so that he can pronounce what loved feels like. And he tries to grasp it, but his fist is too small, and you must forgive him. We don’t blame the unaware, and he is, most definitely, unaware. You must grow in the conditions you’re provided with. Unless you choose to leave.
You shouldn’t feel bad for leaving because you stayed longer thanyou should have. Now don’t apologise for not leaving soon enough, you can’t blame an innocent heart for being hopefully hopeless. You break when you reach a point, and you should do anything to prevent it. If he loves you, he knows that hurting you is inevitable, but he can choose how fast you can heal. How goes the healing depends on the way you let the wounds breathe. In other words, distance. You need to treat yourself the way you want your loved one to be treated. You will be surprised to see that you don’t love yourself enough, and instead of learning how to love him, learn to unlove him and channel that love towards yourself.
And he will say all kinds of things. He will tell you that you gave up on him. He will tell you that he is sorry, and he will beg for you to take you back. And you will think to yourself about the promises that were made might come true. You think of the unmade sandcastles, especially on sunny days. The sandcastles your dad promised to make with you before the tides washed away your youth. You think of your feet in the sand, sinking deeper and deeper as every wave passes by. You willdissipate. You think of how he would hold your hand. Your dad promised you that you would build sandcastles. The one with a moat, and big strong walls. To protect you from the enemy kingdom when they attackyou. You were taught to maintain walls. Even when the sandcastles were unmade, you maintained walls. Even when the tides washed away remains of your imagination, as you waited for your dad to come to the beach, you learned how to build those walls. Even when he arrived, and the sun replaced the moon, and the cement of the walls was still wet, you maintained the walls.
Then, ask yourself, how could you have let him break those walls. Ask yourself why he resided in your heart. Ask yourself whether you will be able to collect the shards of the promises he broke, whether you would be able to remake the bed that he slept with her in.Would you? Would you be able to invite her for dinner, and let her enter the4 walls of your aortic heart that beats to his unkindness? She feasts on the same table that you eat on, and you can barely eat because your mind has consumed your heart already. You give it sometime, and instead of healing, you grow apart. You should leave him. You must.
When you are on the beach and decide to take a swim, you are warned to enter the ocean when the tide is calm. In all its tempestuous glory, you are brave enough to put yourself out there. To live. To breathe, even when the water starts to rise. You try to make it to shore. You chase the lighthouse and see the candle from afar. He clutches onto you, and you know that you can’t swim with his weight anchoring you.
In that moment, you leave. You swim back and forth until you realise that this loop is endless. You know you must fend for yourself and choose to survive. As you make it to the shore, it finally strikes you. You see the sun through the water, and it’s beams shine in your eyes. Once you reach the lighthouse, it starts to rain and the cold creeps in. The candle gives you warmth. You think to yourself, it’s okay to grow cold when the sun refuses to shine.
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